What Am I Doing?

The other day I was talking with Utsab, the school’s vice principal.  We talked about a couple light topics and then he just jumped right into it.  He said something to the effect of, “So what do you think is the point of life?  Like, why are we here on earth?”

I actually really have no idea what his religious affiliation is.  I assumed he was Hindu, because Christians are pretty few and far between.  It was two days before our school Christmas program and we’d been singing about Jesus, and we had a play about the birth of Jesus.  So he at least knew the gist of the story.  I said, “Well, I believe God sent his Son here to this earth to save us,” pointing at the stage where we’d been practicing.  “He came here and served us, and so I think that now, out of love, we should be serving others.  I think that’s what gives us real purpose and joy in life.  You know, people tend to think that money is what’s going to give them happiness, but that’s not really true.”  I did add that if you could use your money to serve others, that was good, and I think I added a few other things.  

Overall, I was very proud of my answer.  I have no idea where it came from.  I prefer that if you’re going to ask me a deep question, please give me a week’s warning to think about it first.  So, spur of the moment, I felt pretty good.  Also in our conversation, he told me to make sure I was keeping a journal to record my experience in Nepal.  Lots of people have told me that.

You know, I’m just really not into journaling.  I’ve tried, a couple of times.  It doesn’t work.  But I do wish there was a good way I could keep track of what I’m going through here.  Not the stories - the pictures and this blog will take care of them.  But internally.

How am I?  I have an aversion that question.  Because it is rarely asked genuinely - it’s asked in passing, just a greeting.  Much the same as how Nepalis always ask if you’ve eaten - like, why do you care?  But that’s a tangent.  What I was saying.....was, how am I?  It’s a day to day thing.  

Some days I wake up and I have to pray 10 times before I walk out the door.  It’s like somehow I just know that day is going to be rough.  I wonder, Why in the world am I here?  What were you thinking?  You could be home with family, with people who speak your language and understand you...  Those days are often Sundays, when I’d rather be recovering from a hectic Sabbath, instead of going to work.  But those days are getting fewer and farther between.

Much more of the time, I just love it.  (And this is where I wish I could have journaled to myself and figured out a way to describe the way it is.)  I just feel so ... alive!  That sounds silly.  I like the fact that I am so independent.  I am on my own.  I cook for myself.  I wash my laundry and hang it on my roof.  I walk to this strange alley where there’s a vegetable market.  I have people over to my house.  I speak for vespers and prayer meetings.  I take the bus into Kathmandu where I wander around and try to find places that don’t have addresses.  I live alone in an apartment, and most of the noises don’t even bother me anymore.  I like the fact that I am not attracted to anyone (boys-wise), and that from time to time, I attempt to look good just to prove to myself that I still can!  Hah.

Some days I really don’t know why I’m here.  Some days I feel pretty unneeded, even unappreciated depending on who I’m working with.  I wonder, What I am doing?  But like I told Utsab, it’s about serving.  Those of you who know me well, know that wasn’t exactly the main point of me coming here.  The Himalayas were, duh.  Well, now that I’ve figured out I like the Pacific NW a lot better than the Himalayas, I guess I can focus on the fact I’m a student missionary.  Maybe you think it’s a backwards way of thinking.  Maybe it is.  

I do know I don’t regret coming here at all.  Somehow I think I’ve been changed.  Haven’t really figured out how, but I’m working on getting to the bottom of that.  Somehow I’m a little different.  It’s not one of those, “I’ve been saved!” or “I have SUCH a deeper relationship with God now!” or “I’m going to be a missionary later in life!” or “I’m just so attached to this place!”  or “I rely so much more on God now!” (although I do wish I could say a couple of those things...)  It’s just like, I don’t know, I’ve grown up some more, or something.

And let me tell you something, when I think about it, it doesn’t take much searching to notice I’m appreciated.  The kids yell out my name wherever I am - on the path to Banepa, walking to school, standing on my porch, walking through a rice field...  I don’t even have to do anything, they just love me.  It’s the serving - that’s what brings joy.

Yeah.  Sorry, I think that got a little deep.